


Emotions

by mountain_ash



Series: So Many Lost Chances [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode Fix-it, Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can't Wait, Ficlet, Fluff, Originally Posted on Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 01:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15984416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mountain_ash/pseuds/mountain_ash
Summary: Now that he's human, Castiel has many emotions and Dean makes him feel all of them. Can he make sense of Dean's?





	Emotions

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this one took so long! I just moved and started a new job and my writing brain doesn't work so well when I'm exhausted.
> 
> Originally on [tumblr](http://a-mountain-ash.tumblr.com/post/178059477585/emotions) and based on the sixth gif in [this](http://inacatastrophicmind.tumblr.com/post/176700110323) gifset!

To say he's terrified is an understatement. He's felt fear before, certainly. At the hands of Raphael, Lucifer, Michael, Naomi. All have stricken fear in his heart. But that was more of an existential dread as the knowledge of his end loomed before him and he had to decide whether to stay steadfastly at Dean's side and face it or kneel and surrender, effectively saving his life and ruining it simultaneously. He'd always chosen the former.

This fear was not that. This fear had his heart pounding and his palms sweating and his eyes open wide as he watched Nora's house draw near. This fear is full of _what do I say_ and _what do I do_  and _how do I act?_ Because Castiel does not know people. Castiel knows Dean, and Nora is not Dean. Nora is normal and kind and gentle and trusting. Nora believed that he simply slept at the store because he was a good employee and that the fake address he'd listed on his application was where he laid his head at night. Nora did not know that mere weeks before he'd been full of grace and capable of healing or smiting at a simple touch. Nora would be expecting something different of his touch and he wasn't certain he could give it. He's terrified.

"Okayyy." Dean draws the word out longer than necessary. He sounds uncomfortable, but Castiel can't know for certain anymore. There are many more human feelings than he once realized. What he would once have simply labeled as _discomfort_ in the sound of Dean's voice, he now could say was _impatient_ or _annoyed_ or _morose_. He doesn't know. When he looks over briefly, he's so confused by the look on Dean's face that he looks away faster than he likes.

"Thanks, Dean." He fumbles for the door handle and begins opening it with a creak. He wants to escape the car as fast as possible and at the same time never leave. Dean came to find him. He didn't have to, Cas knows that. Whatever reason he had for making him leave the bunker, Dean did not have to come find Cas when he told him about the case, but he did. Cas had lost his breath when Dean had spoken to him at the counter without warning and it had been a horrible, wonderful feeling. The kind where your stomach feels like it's going to drop straight out of your body, but a bungee cord grabs it just before it hits the ground and swoops it back inside. It's thrilling and terrifying and Cas wouldn't hate it so much save for the fact he doesn't think Dean's ever felt the same thing when he looks at him.

"Cas. Wait." Dean says definitively as he opens his door and moves to leave. He looks back at the other man, knowing some sort of hopeful longing is written on his features as he watches Dean. It takes so little for him to slam the door closed behind him, desperately wanting for Dean to just keep him here, forever. Has he always wanted the man like this or is this ridiculous longing (pining?) just a new figment of his dreadful human soul? He thinks it's likely always been like this, but the intensity of the feelings is irrational and frustrating. Nora is going to be waiting for him, and yet he doesn't care. "I can't let you do this."

Cas doesn't miss the way Dean's eyes focus on his chest for a moment before finally drifting up to his face. It makes his chest feel hot. What is Dean going to say? He's looking at Cas with that look on his face that says he's conflicted, but about what? Cas wants Dean to tell him not to go. Cas wants Dean to tell him to just come home with him right now. He really just wants Dean to want him more than Nora does.

"What?" He finally asks when Dean doesn't continue.

"You're gonna wear that, on a date?"

Dean looks over his chest a few more times and it lights his skin on fire even as his heart deflates. It was not what he'd hoped the other man would say. Hope, he's realized, is an intense human emotion. Possibly the strongest of them all. It has the potential to lift you or crush you in mere moments.  He looks down at himself to hide his disappointment.

"This is all I have, Dean."  
Dean doesn't look away from his chest even as he speaks. The attention is overwhelming. Castiel is accustomed to eye contact. He's accustomed to Dean's glance flitting across his form before return to his eyes. He is not accustomed to this level of physical scrutiny. His form is human now, but he doesn't think it looks different. Does Dean see something changed in him?

"Okay. Uh, lose the vest."

"What are you-"

"Lose the vest. Come on."

He complies easily, but recognizes the embarrassment inside himself at how easily Dean can do this to him. It takes Dean so little effort to unravel him, pulling apart the fibers of his being like yarn from a row of stitches. Castiel wonders if knows he has this effect. Knowing him, he most likely does not. It makes Castiel a little sad.  
"That's a little better. All right. There we go. All right."

Castiel watches as Dean throws the blue fabric unceremoniously in the backseat. The fleeting wish that they were in the backseat drifts through his mind and he looks back down at himself to hide the blush spreading on his cheeks. He didn't used to think such things so vividly.

"And now your buttons- Why don't you unbutton it?"

His fingers fly across his buttons under the weight of Dean's gaze. Why is he watching so intently? When is he supposed to stop with the buttons? He doesn't want to. He wants Dean to see all of him. Dean seems to want to see all him as well, though he won't say so directly. Castiel could ask, he knows. The man has already rejected him, so he really can't lose more, but the idea makes his stomach clench.

"Okay. Th-that's far enough, Tony Manero."

Castiel doesn't know who that is, but Dean looks awkward suddenly. Shy, almost. When he finally looks away from the gap in Castiel's shirt, it's not up into his eyes, like he expects, but down at his lap. He does eventually look back up, inspecting the various facets of his face and hair. His eyes are thoughtful and probing, something almost like longing in his eyes. Shivers creep down the back of his spine and along his arms at the attention and it's a pleasant sensation. He imagines Dean could make him feel it quite often.

"Yeah. Good. Alright." Castiel lets himself imagine that Dean is praising him for himself and not for Nora. "Listen to me. Always open the door for her, okay? Ask a lot of questions. They like that. And, uh... Oh, if she says she's happy to go Dutch … she's lying. All right?"

He doesn't know what that means, either, but he nods his head.

"Go get 'em, tiger." Dean slaps a hand across his chest and Castiel wants it to stay there.

He stares at Nora's house with dread before opening his door with conviction and storming out of the car. He gets halfway up her walkway before a new conviction overtakes him and he turns in place and stalks back towards the Impala. Dean is watching him in confusion as he slips back into the car and slams the door behind him.

"I don't want to go on a date with Nora." He blurts out before he can stop himself. He can't bring himself to look at Dean even as he knows Dean is staring intently at him.

"Uhhh." Dean says dumbly. "Why did you say yes then?"

"Because she's nice. And pretty." He splutters. "And that's what humans do."

"Well, I mean, I guess that's true. What's the matter then?"

Dean sounds so earnestly confused that Cas finally brings himself to look up at his friend. His blue eyes are wide with trepidation, but he speaks anyway. "Because I don't want to go on a date with _her._ "

He infuses as much meaning and intent into that final noun as he can muster with his poor command of human emotion and feels that damned hope rise in him once more that Dean will understand. Many things flicker across his friend's face and Castiel watches as his heart expands and contracts within his chest with painful force. Confusion, hope, denial, recognition, happiness, determination.

Dean doesn't respond with words. Castiel feels the warmth of his body as he closes the space in between them and presses their lips together in awkward eagerness. His lips are chapped, he knows, but Dean's are soft and warm. His nose presses into Castiel's cheek and he loves it. Every inch of their bodies that touch reminds him that this is happening. Dean doesn't want him going on a date with someone else either. When Dean surprised him at the Gas'n'Sip counter, his stomach had swooped low in his stomach as well. Suddenly his chest begins to feel tight and he realizes he's not been breathing, so with great regret he breaks away to take a deep, shuddering breath.

They're still leaning into one another, their foreheads pressed together tenderly as he takes quick, shallow breaths to refill his lungs and still his dizzy head. Dean begins chuckling and Castiel opens his eyes to watch the laugh lines spread deep across his skin. They're beautiful.

"Did you forget to breath?" Dean asks, a tender note underscoring his good humor.

"I suppose I did." Castiel chuckles lightly.

Dean backs away marginally, just far enough that Cas can see the seriousness on his face as he considers the implications of that. Eventually, he appears to come to a conclusion and a devilish grin splits his cheeks wide.

"So you could say I stole your breath away?"

A hearty laugh overtakes him and Castiel is amazed that even in this heavy moment of fear and uncertainty about the world and their places in it, that he can find such simple joy in things. He thinks that perhaps it is that uncertainty that makes him astutely capable of such joy at all. He leans in and captures those laughing lips with his own, replacing the laughter with a pleased hum before pulling away once more.

"I suppose I should go break the news to Nora." He said with mock gravity, reveling in the feeling of his voice echoing off Dean's lips.

"I suppose."

"I'll be right back." He says, pulling away with great reluctance. As he shuts his door, he hears Dean's open and watches as the other man saunters around the hood to join him.

He feels jittery walking up Nora's walk with Dean beside him, but settles when Dean lets his hand brush briefly against the small of his back.

"Oh there you are, Steve." Nora says, when she opens the door. "I was beginning to think you might not show."

"My apologies, Nora." He says stiffly. "I just came to let you know that my friend Dean- you met him today- well he um- well we um-"

"We're dating." Dean interjects abruptly when Cas takes too long to find his words.

Nora stares at them both blankly. "Well, uh, that's nice. But not tonight, you're not. Baby Tanya still needs watching. Can Dean come pick you up at 11, Steve?"

Dean has to come pick up Cas a little earlier than 11, but once Ephraim out of the way, their evening couldn't be better.

**Author's Note:**

> Finally a cute one! Not that I don't love writing me some angst, but let's get some levity in here.
> 
> Comments always appreciated and come visit me on [tumblr](http://a-mountain-ash.tumblr.com/)!


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